7.30.16 // #17 – you are fear itself

i am afraid of you

i am afraid of you when i stand at your doorstep and yell obscenities and profanities and “i hate you’s” that are for me
and you just stand there and smile
and forgive me
and break my broken places

i am afraid of you when i push you away
and decide that my burdens are never to be yours
and you push the boundaries
and cry with such passion
and heal the wounds no one else can see

i am afraid of you when nothing has been said or done and it’s just us and i think
“oh god it’s too quiet”
and you use my shoulder as your pillow
and hum with satisfaction
and hammer a pacemaker into my already tell-tale heart

i am afraid of you when you scream from the rooftops that you have fallen in love with me
and shout until your voice is hoarse
and pull me close
and shatter my insecurities into smithereens

i am afraid of you when you are silent and your melancholy slips from beneath your weary eyes
and i hold you
and you are not ashamed of your melancholy (like me)

i am afraid of you when you look at me as if i could put the world back together
but i can’t
and you don’t believe me
and make me prove it to you, and me, and the whole damn world

i am afraid of you when i can’t see you and you can’t see me
and i know you’re still there
and you are entirely aware of where i am (too aware, too aware)
and it feels like the universe itself could not bear to tear us apart

i am afraid of you when you see the poison ivy that chains me to an abyss
and mistake that for my heart
and decide to tear it down anyway
and you plant roses just as perilous as me

i am afraid of you when you dangle my heart from a spider’s string
and hold it as though it were made of fine glass
and i am so terrified of being shattered
and you decide to paint the glass in shades of your soul

i am afraid of you when i finally say three words that were easy for you
and always got caught in my throat
and you became the earth, the sea, the clouds, the trees, and everything
and you inhaled my pain and exhaled the joy you knew was there
and said, “i love you too”

i am afraid of you because i love you
i am afraid of you because you love me
someone once said, “it is better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both” but i can never love something without fearing it as well

i am not afraid of loving you
i am merely afraid that i do love you
because when you love someone, you give them pieces of you that can never be given back
and i have given you those peaces in faith
that you won’t throw them away
that you won’t mock them
that you won’t annihilate them

but if there is no love without fear
than i would gladly join the timorous
than be forever shackled with loneliness

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